I LOVE ME

My boyfriend and I had only just started going out, it was all fresh and cute and we went to the shop. I was not too hungry. He bought some Cherry Bakewells. He opened them and walked down the street scoffing them and they looked exceedingly good. Infact. I was starving. But, I hung back, like a polite person stepping outside to do a fart. He will offer in a minute I said to myself and I'll do the oh..erm...go on then thanks. Anyway, he didn't. He was even going to eat them all. I had to say something quick, he was three cakes in and there is only six in a pack. I asked for one and he looked at me sort of annoyed and pushed me one. It tasted so good. When we got back home he continued eating them. I obviously wanted another. But he ate all the rest before I could ask it seemed. Gob smacked. But not with a cherry Bakewell.

When I was a kid my Mum tried her bestest to make me share. Did it work? No of course it didn't. I hated sharing. I would lick over a whole Zap or calypso lolly and then offer it to my brother. When Richard played leaky leaky one two three down the bottom of our street he would not let me play and I would run home shouting to mum. His best friend Kevin didn't mind, he didn't have a sister though. By the time I was 6 I was in love with Kevin. Richard and I spent most our childhood scrapping on the floor because of this not sharing business. He would pull my hair, I would call him a dic and mum carefully made sure beans on toast and um bongo cartons were evenly split down the middle.

Sharing, has a right fun time, sipping champagne under the same marquee as all the polite and friendly people who offer to buy drinks, have lots of fans and feel the love. Now I'm 28, I understand the pleasure it gives to people and I'll buy my brother presents and it makes me happy that I made him happy. A bit like the feeling old people get when giving you a bit of crap you didn't need. The thing is, my boyfriend is not selfish, as in, he does give me stuff, just as long as it don't cost anything and he does not have to share it. I suppose I sort of like the animal in him the one that pushes food around his plate, totally unaware that he's being selfish. Or is that just the Libra in me trying to see the other side? We all know that the people in the marquee over the grass have lots of fun and fans, so buck your bucks up, tight arse.

Richard Dawkins writes about us being born selfish, he says it's the animal instinct in us to not want to share and that the force of religion has made people soft. I comprehend that, but, my boyfriend seems to have taken this and gone bowling with it. God says share and love thy neighbour and it's immense. Especially when we are scared of letting him down. But I tell you, It's bullshit. When I visit my born again christian friends they ply me with so much hug and attention It kind of makes me feel sick and they bang on about god and loving people and shit. But I never, ever, visit them until after lunch, because I am never ever invited for lunch. Love thy neighbour my arse. 'Yeah, sure, but can you come after lunch time as we can't wait to say grace and tuck into a meal for two from M&S'. Selfish bastards.

As the famous Bugsy Malone quote goes 'Give a little love and it all comes back to you' and if you don't, you're a cunt who will end up with no friends, apart from god...